Say "Waterfall" One More Time, I Dare You!

Normally, people start out with phrases like "Hello. How Are You?" when learning a foreign tongue, but this is certainly not the case when referring to Luang Prabang's mass transit system, better known as the tuk-tuk driver. I am convinced that the most important word in their limited English vocabulary is "waterfall". This is definitely not by accident, as there are a number of exceptional waterfalls located within a 30 to 45 minute tuk-tuk ride from town. The price of such a venture ranges widely based on the honesty of the driver and the level of confusion on your face, but the fee for this excursion is the primary source of each driver's daily income. Luang Prabang is small, quiet, and pleasant to walk around, so there is no need to ever really use any means of transportation other than your feet. Tourists also have the option to rent a bicycle for $1 per day that comes fully equipped with a basket and clown horn attached to the handle bars...

"Come and knock on my door, I'll be waiting for you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Three's a Company too!!"

But, I digress. Back to the drivers. They do not resemble the in-your-face, "I know a great custom suit warehouse" tuk-tuk drivers of Bangkok, nor do they resemble the more friendly, straight-forward drivers of Siem Reap. Rather, the tuk-tuk drivers of Luang Prabang are like quiet assassins with only one task at hand...get you to the nearest waterfall for the highest price. I have observed three main forms of advertising that are utilised by almost every driver: excitement, reverse psychology, and my personal favorite, subliminal manipulation.

1. Excitement - You are walking down the street with your wife as a driver jumps directly out of his strategically parked tuk-tuk and yells "WATERFALL!" The power behind his declaration is so convincing that only a fool would refuse his suggestion. Gotcha!

2. Reverse Psychology - This method is best explained using an analogy that hopefully most of you will understand. In the movie "Anchorman", Will Ferrell famously reads "I'm...Ron...Burgundy???" at the end of one of his broadcasts. The miscue draws the ire of the station's producer as he yells to his staff, "Damnit people, how many times do I have to tell you that Ron is going to read whatever you put on the teleprompter!" With that scene in mind, imagine you are walking down the street and a tuk-tuk driver says "Waterfall???" using an intonation the explicitly implies uncertainty. This of course causes the innocent bystander to ask themselves the same question, which immediately peaks their curiousity. They wonder silently, "what is this guy not telling me?", and they decide that they need to investigate this so-called "waterfall" for themselves. Gotcha!

3. Subliminal Manipulation - You and your wife are walking down the street when you hear a faint murmur that sounds like "atrfl...", but you casually continue your stroll because you can not make out what was said or where it came from exactly. A few steps later, the murmur turns in to an almost perceptible word and you really begin to wonder about what you are hearing, but you still continue onwards. Fifteen steps later, you hear it for the final time more clearly, and your mind begins to think about the sweltering heat and the lack of shade along your walkway. You turn to your wife and confidently suggest that you should take an excursion to a nearby cool mountain source of water. She surprisingly agrees, not knowing quite sure why. But how would we get there?? Enter your smiling saviour, emerging from the shadows, keys to a nearby tuk-tuk in hand, ready to drive you wherever you should desire. "On to the waterfall good man!" Gotcha Again!

All that being said, we have not been to a waterfall yet, but we plan to soon.

(whisper) "waterfall"

Room With A View

The stark contrast between Vietnam and Laos was felt immediately as I woke up in a small bamboo thatched bungalow located high above a local river with an unpronouncable name. There was no longer the loud sounds of motorbikes, car horns, and street hawkers. The serene quiet kept us in our bed lined with a mosquito net, as Mariana and I actually slept in until hunger got the better of us and we ventured to the hotels open air dining area for breakfast. The hotel provided us with two cups of Lao coffee, a bowl of rice soup with pork, and a bowl of noodle soup with fresh vegetables at the outrageous price of $3 US. I haven't even seen Luang Prabang's city center and I am already loving every aspect of this wild country. The hotel informed us that they actually prefer to deliver our meals directly to our room for no charge, so we enjoyed most of our remaining dining experiences on our front porch. The porch came equipped with two eastern style mattresses and a small ankle-heigth table. Our view of the river provided most of our entertainment as we watched children of all ages come to the waterside to play and bathe throughout the day. Monks use the waters to cool off after a long hot day of walking from temple to temple and women use the waters to wash clothing in a communal manner that resembles happy hour in the US. Local fishermen tend their traps and farmers continuosly checked their water pumps to maintain irrigation to their stepped farms full of lush vegetation. I had heard of Laos' beauty, but I had no idea that the countryside would be this pristine.

Mariana and I walked a long way to the city center in the afternoon to map out our adventures for the next week, and we also decided to book a few nights in the heart of Luang Prabang to maximize our experience. I have not been this excited to explore a country and its culture since I first laid eyes on Angkor Wat in Siem Reap, Cambodia. I am hopeful that I will not be disappointed and I will provide updates as soon as I possibly can.

By the way...the video below was filmed with my loving mom in mind, but I think it speaks volumes of the differences in culture between the US and Southeast Asia. The children in the video are between the ages of 4 and 7.

Radar Love

I never really knew what the band Golden Earring was talking about when they sang their hit "Radar Love" until I was sitting on a double prop plane preparing for a flight from Hanoi to Laos. Knowledge is a wonderful thing unless the retained information consists of something along the lines of: "Did you know that the entire country of Laos has no radar and that pilots land the planes using sight alone?" I am sorry, could you repeat that...I thought you said that an entire nation does not have radar. Is that possible in 2010? I have no idea, but it is difficult to shake a statement like that once it has been introduced to my anxiety-ridden thoughts . So, I sat on a cramped plane with two propellers, palms sweating, trying to look confident to my fellow passengers as I rapidly chewed all of the spearmint taste out of my gum. I eventually felt more at ease once the plane took off and levelled at its cruising altitude. That is, until Mariana and I were served our mystery sanwiches, fruit, and cake in a beautiful white box that said..."Laos Airlines - You're Safe With Us".

What?!?!?!

What the hell do you mean "You're Safe With Us"? I am no marketing major, but I think the PR department from Laos Airlines needs to go back to the drawing board. Let me explain.

My mind tends to wander when I hear disturbing slogans like that, and I add things like:

*Naw..."You're Safe With Us"

*Don't Worry..."You're Safe With Us"

*It's OK..."You're Safe With Us"

*I don't know where you heard that from, but..."You're Safe With Us"

*The UN said what..."You're Safe With Us"

*Pay no attention to our casualty statistics..."You're Safe With Us"

*That was months ago..."You're Safe With Us"

After a very long hour and fifteen minutes, we made a very hard and fast landing, stepped off the runway, entered the airport that reminded me of a dated Burger King in Port Aransas, and successfully received our visas. Welcome to Laos!

Never Eat Pink Pringles

Let me just preface this entry with the fact that I devoured a bowl of noodle soup with snails for breakfast this morning. I am not, and never will be by any means, a conservative consumer of foreign cuisine.

Just stay away from the pink pringles...Trust Me!

Asia as a whole is filled with snacks that are flavored with a wide variety of seafoods. Perhaps the most popular salt water seasoning that the Willy Wonka's of the Far East create is the "shrimp or prawn" flavored chip, cracker, candy, etc. I normally bypass the snack aisle in Southeast Asian supermarkets convinced that their options are not adventurous and hardly worth my refined consideration. That was, until I happened to catch the the eye of a familiar face known as Mr. Pringle inviting me to try his "grilled shrimp flavored" chips. Damn you, Mr. Pringle and your devilish good looks and your lipless, mustache-filled smile, you got me...you got me good. Who in their right mind sees pink colored chips on a bottle and actually buys them...idiot! I had one chip and never touched them again.

It can be very awkward when someone you know and love betrays you. I feel confident that Mr. Pringle and I will eventually patch things up, but I have informed him that, at least for now, we are "on a break" indefinitely.

*Mariana and I were fortunate enough to attend a traditional play consisting of water puppets and Vietnamese music...you can check out the videos below if you are curious.

Drinking In the Power of the Snake, the Lizard, the Scorpion, and the Crow

The liquid that had just been siphoned out of a large jar filled with well preserved animal corpses in to my shot glass smelled kind of like almonds. This seemed like an appealing attribute until I remembered that gangrenous wounds also carry the scent of almonds. Still, I shrugged my shoulders, said "cheers" to my wife and shot the liquor straight down my throat before I could have any second thoughts. The drink was surprisingly smooth considering that it was created by fermenting poisonous reptiles and insects. The distiller even threw in the entire dead body of a crow for good measure. Women are not allowed to consume any kind of alcohol that is made with snakes, because the power that it provides its consumer is far too great for anyone but a man. Oddly enough, my muscles didn't feel any stronger as I gathered our bags for our departure. Maybe I will take two shots next time.

Monkeys are Really Cute Until They Attack Your Wife

Our junk boat pulled anchor at 8:30 this morning and set its course for Cat Ba Island, which is known for its diverse wildlife, tropical vegetation, and rugged hikes. The hour long trip on the boat was once again filled with amazing karst features and floating villages that dotted the landscpae of Ha Long Bay's emerald waters. We checked in to a hotel on the mainland after a very muddy hike, ate some lunch, and proceeded to board a smaller vessel for a short trip to "Monkey Island". The island was absolutely amazing, as it was filled with scenic hill-top views and amongst other wildlife, monkeys.

Fast forward...

Charlton Heston bravely shouted "Get your hands off me you dirty ape" as he was accosted by advanced primates on a foreign beach in the epic film "Planet of the Apes". On our excursion, Mariana opted for the slightly less intimidating scream followed by a frantic "No, No, No..." as a smaller, less educated primate charged at her and grabbed her leg. I am not trying to compare my sweet little wife to the former head of the NRA, I am merely trying to drive home the point that the monkey that attacked Mariana was unable to comprehend her pleas for mercy. To her defense, Mariana did not do anything to merit an attack, we were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. You see, our trustworthy guides were playing a game of cards as the tourists explored the island. Sidetracked by his love of gambling, one of the guides did not even know that one of the monkeys had taken his jacket hostage and effectively created a defensively hostile environment amongst the other monkeys as they all tried to take sway over the no-doubt valuable article of clothing. Upon realizing that the monkeys were playing with his clothing, the guide quickly grabbed his jacket from the monkey seemingly thinking that swift justice was a good strategy when dealing with wild primates. Needless to say, all hell broke loose and the monkeys began attacking the guides as Mariana and I tried to distance ourselves from the situation. Unfortunately, Mariana was confronted by a warily curious monkey as we made our retreat. The monkey charged her and grabbed her leg, as I simultaneously reached down and grabbed a handful of sand and rocks to pummel my wife's attacker. The monkey backed off immediately after I sprayed it with rocks and remained distanced as I grabbed Mariana and reloaded. We were unfortunately reminded that a wild animal is for lack of a better word, "wild".

In retrospect, any excursion that allows 20 "amateur" bioligists to mingle with over 500 monkeys on a small, isolated island hardly seems like a good idea. We had hoped to gain a more profound respect for mankind on our trip, but we somehow managed to include additional primates in that mix as well. In the end, we were very lucky that Mariana walked away with only a few scratches, especially considering that monkeys are capable of inflicting far worse injuries on unsuspecting foreigners. We later visited a hospital in Hanoi and were told that the transmittance of rabies through scratches (especially superficial ones) is extremely rare, but that getting six rounds of shots would assure complete safety. After a long amount of discussion, Mariana confidently decided that she did not need the immunization and we opted to refuse the almost $2,000 USD of treatment. I completely support her decision, but the ordeal was much more difficult than I initially expected. It is never fun to consider worst-case scenarios pertaining to your best friend, even when those scenarios are rare and highly unlikely to occur.

Enter the Dragon

After an early morning wake-up call, a bowl of steaming Pho, and one insane bus trip, Mariana and I were following our guide down a cracked side-walk to the Ha Long Bay Harbor. Ha Long Bay is located three hours north of Hanoi along Vietnam's beautiful coastline and it is famous for its 1,969 karst features that jut out of the water in all directions. The small limestone islands are covered with vast numbers of trees and various other tropical fauna. An aerial view of the area reveals an overall shape that resembles a dragon, with each island representing a different scale along the dragon's back. "Ha Long" roughly translates to "Dragon", hence the name "Ha Long Bay".

We booked a two day cruise, which included an overnight stay on an "antique" junk boat fully equipped with traditional fan sails that were kept dormant in favor of a much faster gas powered engine. The harbor was massive and filled to the brim with boats of all shapes and sizes. Tourists frantically tried to maintain sight of their ninja-like guides as they swiftly navigated their way around the docks. Many of the travel agencies in Vietnam are connected in a "Cosa Nostra" type manner, so most people are very wary of losing their guides as they try to board a respectable boat. Our boat (the Cristina) was not the finest ship in the harbor, but it certainly was not the worst. I do not pretend to be a nautical expert, nor can I distinguish great vessels from good ones, but I do know that you should not set sail with a captain who is preoccupied with scooping water out of the body of his ship with a bright orange bucket, as many of the shoddier operators were doing. Thank God for our hotel and their respectable tourist operations.

The Cristina set sail within an hour and we headed out to the bay for a little trekking and kayaking through a few of the more scenic karst features. The evening ended with a fantastic dinner, a bottle of Vietnamese wine, and a conversation with new found friends from Sweden. Great day.