Another Painful Visit to the Thairopractor

Would you ever say no to an hour long massage for $3.75 USD? Me neither, but due to my travels in Thailand, I will now take it in to serious consideration and humbly ask to see a "short" sampling of 'said' massage. I had successfully limited myself to only Swedish and foot massages (after my unfortunate torture session in Bangkok) for over a month when Mariana insisted that I get massage from a "very good" masseuse in the night market of Chiang Mai. My lower back was hurting, I had already had a fantastic 60 minute reflexology session from the same company, and the whole ordeal would only set me back $3.75 USD. I figured what the hell, why not? That's when I overheard the masseuse assuring Mariana that he could successfully MOVE my spine in one hour. For better or worse, right? So, I begrudgingly thanked Mariana, took a deep breath, laid down, and got the crap beat out me again. I am not sure if he moved my spine, but I have a feeling I will find out tonight when I board an overnight bus to Bangkok for ten hours.

On a Lighter Note...

Mariana and I visited a refuge for adopted elephants, many of whom have been neglected and abused. The park was located an hour and a half north of Chiang Mai, near the epicenter of the infamous "Golden Triangle" of Southeast Asia. It was started in 1995 by a tiny Thai woman with a huge heart and a desire to offer any and all pachyderms a safe haven. The Elephant Nature Park's mission embraces positive reinforcement and promotes an elephant-human relationship built on the cultivation of reciprocal love and respect. We learned about the history of each elephant and were given an inside look at their challenging rehabilitation. We were also given the opportunity to feed them by hand and bathe them in the cool waters of the river that runs through the picturesque property. We were proud to hear that the park's benefactor was a gracious man who lives in Austin, Texas. I will let the pictures and videos speak for themselves.

Excuse Me Sir, Could You Please Hand Me that Soap Box?

I had always been somewhat secure in my assumption that man held sway over animals, until I stood directly next to a herd of Asian elephants at the Elephant Nature Park in the far northern jungles of Thailand. Nothing is more humbling than being in the presence of such strong and majestic creatures who desire only to be free of human abuse and live out their lives peacefully. I have hunted various forms of wildlife since I was a young boy, but I have only recently learned to respect the power and beauty held within all forms of nature. I understand now that every living creature deserves to be protected from unexcusable abuse and annihilation. I don't care if you are a gun-toting hunter or a hemp wearing tree-hugger, people must have respect for the living beings that they track or protect.

As you have read in previous blogs, I do not subscribe to any single religion, but I adhere to the protocalls demanded depending on my location. This is not a form of submission, but rather a form of respect. Unfortunately, life is full of contradictions and sometimes they can not be ignored. The co-inhabitation of people and Asian elephants within Southeast Asia is one of those issues that I simply cannot turn my back on. Elephants have been revered by a wide variety of cultures over many centuries for their strength of body and spirit. They share complex human characteristics that intertwine a longing for peaceful living with a fierce desire to protect their loved ones. They have hearts, minds, bodies, and in the opinion of this writer, souls. So why am I even writing this?

Because, damnit, people just can't leave things well enough alone. The nature preserve that we visited shared an incredible video documenting the "breaking" of an elephant's will that is practiced by almost every elephant handler in Asia. The "breaking" consists of forcefully incarcerating a young elephant in chained confinements that leave the creature immobile and unable to resist. Male villagers, led by a local shaman, then proceed to beat, whip, and stab the elephant for days with bamboo sticks reinforced with rusty nails. The concept is simple and all to familiar...kill the spirit of the elephant and force it to concede control to its human master. My initial reaction to witnessing such an atrocity was one of anger and a desire to enforce vigilanty justice upon the elephants captors, but after some brief reflection I realized that the true root of the problem was ignorance. These villagers had captured and tamed elephants using the only tactics that they assumed were available. The black magic of the shaman was assumed to be the power that captured the animals soul, not the sticks with nails imbedded within them. In addition to ignorance of the people themselves, I believe the lack of action by the government is equally to blame. Animals in Southeast Asia are mistreated and exploited every day for one reason: profitability. Whether it is an elephant that is bred into a life of walking along exruciatingly painful city streets or a chained up monkey trained to accept bananas from paying customers desiring a photo, it is all done to appease tourists. I stated before that ignorance causes many of the World's issues to become worse, so I will take a few minutes of my time to educate those of you who have a desire to visit Asia.

I have grown tired to the point of exhaustion of seeing unpunished crimes against humanity and nature. I have seen innocent animals neglected and abused simply because they are not considered to have any worth outside of their use to humans. I have seen children younger than my nephews try to manage beautiful smiles as they sell souvenirs (and sometimes their own bodies) to benefit others. My lecture is short, my message is simple, but the lesson is excruciatingly difficult to put into practice. Do not, by any means, support the exploitation of the innocent. I know this is especially hard when you are staring into the face of a begging child or the eyes of a frightened animal. I have given a lot of my own money to these ventures with the intent to assist, only to find out later that I have fed a machine the cyclically takes advantage of those without a voice. The battle for social and natural justice is extremely long and uphill, but it begins with one informed person's ability to simply say "no". That has been the first difficult step that Mariana and I have taken, but we are hopeful that our new knowledge will lead us to more legitimate avenues of assistance for those who need it most.

Socialism is Kind of Anti-Social

By the time Mariana and I touched down in Chiang Mai, Thailand last Monday, we had already spent well over a month in socialist republics. To be honest with you, aside from the occasional hammer and sickle waving along the roadsides, there is no real noticeable difference for tourists within a communistic country. This is simply because their spending dollars mean too much to the governments that they ultimately support. People in the cities of Hanoi, Sapa, Halong Bay, and Luang Prabang were all seemingly very capitalistic, with one major exception. Nobody had direct, uncensored access to facebook or google (i.e. information). Notice I said they did not have "direct" access, because most citizens knew how to bypass the blatently obvious, yet publicly denied, censorship. Fortunately, Mariana and I were able to stay connected thanks to a few unnamed technological benefactors. Fights over web access between political giants like China and information giants like Google all of a sudden became crystal clear. Information that is readily available to "Googlers" in one region of the world is not available to similar users in another area. Censorship is real and it is unfortunate. I have discovered that true power teeter-totters on a delicate balance between those who are informed and those who are uninformed. Basic human rights like free access to knowledge are not always viewed as inherent. Sadly, whether you talk about communistic countries or capitalistic giants, access to information will forever be considered an invaluable asset. Those who have it will always hold sway over those who do not. Period.

You Ever Had One of Those Sinking Feelings?

If there was going to be a single rite of passage for me on this trip, it was going to be my two day slow boat adventure up the mighty Mekong River. The scenery would be exotic, the hours would be long, and I would finally have a better appreciation for the writings of Joseph Conrad. Yes, I am that nerdy. I borrowed a copy of Heart of Darkness from a fellow book worm in Austin, Texas with the very intent to read it as I slowly chugged along through the jungles of Northern Laos. I might even catch a glimpse of the overweight Marlon Brando commanding a small tribe as Colonel Kurtz if I am lucky. But sadly, it was not meant to be.

I know you have heard this story a thousand times and it will sound quite cliche, but there I was, waiting on the banks of the Mekong waiting for my boat when I received some disturbing news. It seems that our boat had sunk in the dangerously low waters about half-way between Luang Prabang and Pakbeng. No one was hurt in the accident, but it still felt like someone had ripped my heart out and stomped on it in front of me. We were provided with the option to take a speed boat (i.e. a 5 person canoe with a jet engine attached to the back), which we quickly declined due to the almost certain death that goes along with accepting such an offer. How dare the Gods of the River curse my trip with such an unfortunate turn of events. How am I ever going to gain the necessary life perspective that I so desperately seek if I can't even have two days to slowly meditate on a boat about it?

That was when our tour guide turned to me and offered a full cash refund. "But I paid with a credit card" I said, and she apologetically answered that she could only refund me in American dollars. I soon realized that I would get my money back at a better exchange rate and still get to keep my credit card points. Screw Conrad and his 130 page novel, I want my air miles!! Besides, I had already done a book report years ago, which received rave reviews from my high school English teachers, correlating Heart of Darkness with Led Zeppelin's smash hit "Stairway to Heaven". It really was brilliant. I guess some people get to have their cake and eat it too.

I later found out that Mariana and I would be flying to Chiang Mai on none other than Laos Airlines and my joyful spirit quickly faded.

Pho Cong Ain't Got Nothin' On Me!!

I never thought I would title something using a play on words that combines one of my favorite restaurants with a Denzel Washington quote, but that's how my mind works.

Thanks to the famous Tamarind restaurant, Mariana and I became master chefs of Lao cuisine in just 6 short hours for the low-low price of $56 USD. That is a small fortune in Luang Prabang and could have covered our hotel room for two nights, but the money was well spent. I am not sure if there is any culinary equal to a Southeast Asian chef. They create the most incredible flavors by delicately blending fresh herbs, spices, produce, and meats. Even a stroll through a local market can make you realize why foods from this region of the World are so sought after and enjoyed. I am of course excluding the butcher section of the market, which can be downright nauseating and awkward for people with weaker constitutions. Fortunately, I am not one of those people, so I cherished every moment of our tour through the vast daily market located 10 minutes outside of town. The closest HEB is 2,500 miles away, so most locals have to visit these types of markets twice a day to prepare fresh meals for their families. They purchase fresh vegetables ranging from the widely used aubergine (small eggplant) and the all too familiar cilantro to exotic fungi and durian fruit (large, spiky, and smells like body odor). These fresh ingredients are then chopped, diced, squeezed, and blended to add flavor to anything that walks on four legs or is found swimming in a body of water. No natural resource is wasted and the Lao people use EVERY part of EVERY living item they harvest (I will spare you details).

After the tour of the market, Mariana and I joined our 10 new friends and headed out to the remote country side for a hands-on cooking class. We prepared 6 traditional dishes that included sticky rice, eggplant and tomato chili dip, steamed mekong fish wrapped in herbs and banana leaves, fried minced chicken mixed with herbs and stuffed into shoots of lemon grass, pork stew with fresh vegetables, and sweet sticky rice served with a variety of diced fruits. Jealous?? You should be.

All of the dishes were made by hand and without the use of any electric appliances. When everything was finished, we sat down together and enjoyed our meal in a family style setting (along with a few BeerLaos), and our master chef supplied us with a copy of each recipe. We are going to have a Lao-style party at the Kuhl house when we return for all those who are interested.

I Bought the Hype and It was Worth Every Penny

You know those idiots that I was making fun of for riding cheesy bicycles, visiting over-sold waterfalls, and participating in every other form of tourist trap? Well it was finally our turn to be those guys and we loved it. Mariana and I grabbed a tuk-tuk to go see the stunning Kuang Si Waterfall and swim in its refreshing waters. We happily rode through all of Luang Prabang and its surrounding villages on bicycles fully equipped with baskets and bells that went “brrring-brrring” on the handlebars. We visited the famous night market to bargain for traditional souvenirs and t-shirts decorated with Lao lettering. We even visited a slew of ancient caves that were essentially just like the ancient caves in and around San Antonio (except that these caves were filled with images of Buddha). In essence, we were those idiots.

I always wonder what locals think about tourists as they continuously fall for the same traps. Their sense of superiority and cunning must be overwhelming as they easily attract the attention of unsuspecting visitors day after day. I would think it would get tiring to do the same old tour and listen to seemingly the same 21 year old tourist talk about how they “totally out-bargained this vendor for a badass BeerLao t-shirt”. But then I realized that they could care less. Our ability to spend outweighs any and all annoyances that may come with the mundane job of holding our hands as we visit local sights. In fact, I think they are mostly amused with our willingness to venture away from our homes and they are proud to show us their local treasures.

We have a Jack and we have a Janet, but we could still use a Chrissy or Mr. Furley if anyone is interested.